Of Sudden Sadness

My Ragnarok Online guildmate (slash) Former Classmate in real life during college send me this link. Its a movie done in flash with ragnarok as its theme. I was very moved and touched by this animation.

I recalled a similar incident happened, almost a year ago and it haunts me until now. I met a singaporean kid last 2002 and we became friends. He’s a member of hunter_x_hunter group along with my other filipino friends. But I never met him thru them. It was in this dalnet chatroom (h_x_h)owned by one of my friend,who is a member of that hunter x hunter yahoo group, where I met him. He was parking his nick there when I entered, I greeted him in the usual tagalog greeting (hello, kamusta?). Then he replied with an expression of “ara?”. That was Mutsumi Otohime’s expression of cluelessness in the anime/manga series Lovehina, which was my favorite series during that time. Then I remembered that this guy is was the same guy i talked along with other Hunter X Hunter members in the built-in chatroom of yahoogroups, a week before. It was his birthday and and they’re singing him “happy birthday” and such, I did not stayed in that room since i those who I knew logged out.

Moving forward…

We became friends… then good friends… then better friends… We can relate to each despite of our different culture. He taught me a little of mandarin, I taught him a little of tagalog. We became close enough that we even share every idiotic things we have done in every day of life. And then afer a year this blog was born… see the archive on the side? yes.. April 2003. I also regain my interest in writing, we both wrote on fictionpress.com, we share our stories and suggested ideas to improve our craft.

Moving forward again…

He went to america for college, we still communicate as if he was still in singapore in highschool. nothing changed. a week before my birthday he sent me this poem:

YOU

People always say
That I am happy.
The one who always smiles,
The one who is always cheerful.
I never am depressed
Or seem stressed
By life’s trials.

You may ask
Why do I seem perpetually cheerful,
Why do the world’s troubles
Not affect me?

It’s because of you.

The problems I have
Disappear when I talk to you.
Complaints become dreams
As I talk happily.

When I see you
I smile.
You make me the one
Who always smiles
Who is always cheerful.
I can ignore life’s trials
Because of you.
———-

a few days just before my birthday last year.. he sent us an email: a goodbye email.:

“*bows* hontou ni gomen nasai… i won’t be going online anymore after this… and i probably won’t be able to check this mail that much… got multiple reasons for me having to leave the …uh…online world… that sounds really corny…*sweatdrops + bows again* sorry…

#1: i have no time to go online or check my mails…

#2: i need to have a really good grade to keep in college and i don’t know if i’m doing well enough… must work harder

#3: …i’m getting confused ^^; i guess…online life and…’real life’…i tend to make them seperated… dun ask me why…and…*bows* i apoligize for…whatever problems i’ve caused any of you… my stupidity hurt you guys ^^; i think…i’m kinda divided between these 2 lives…and…. yeah i’m not handeling it very well..

while these..reasons may sound stupid…i can’t really voice them well… i don’t know *scratches head*…

oh elysse-san…i hope you enjoy singapore…*bows*…
buddy-san..i’m really sorry about this…. >_< guess i’m not bestpal material…..

*attempts to bearhug everyone*

*bows deeply*…well…i hope that everyone will not be depressed or stressed…but…those are just parts of life right? ^^ so..when you guys feel sad just remember something good should happen sometime afterwards cause..that’s just the way life is ^^ don’t be afraid to be yourself, even if it attracts weird stares from other people… it’s their problem if they can’t handle who you are ^_^
and..yeah since i’m bad at saying things like this…morals an all i guess…can only think of 1 more thing…

kiosukette!! ^_^”

Moving forward: a few weeks after that he confessed his real reason:

“i loved someone i hadn’t seen before in my life…and it confused my life in school (i still.. kinda liked jacq but started going out with someone……..) so i felt……divided”

———————

Being the oldest in our group. I tried to understand and help our other friends understand the situation while keeping the real reason. After a some months, I confessed and told them the real reason. We became close and tried to forget him. They did, not me.

I tried to email him but it always bounces back. I know that soon my memories of him will fade. I just realized that I dont know anything about him, what is his real name, his address, his family, what was he during his childhood, does he like drinking coffee?

If he’ll put his foot on my shoes… I know that he’ll ask those questions too.. The stories we wrote were reflections of our hopes, dreams and what we are, those are the only things that we knew about each other.

I’m not suprised if one day I’ll wake up as if he never existed or did he really existed?

its been a year, I know he had the capability to return but he doesn’t have the courage to do so… even until now.

The post above came from my old blog, dated October 2005. And until now, I don’t know how to forget everything.

2 Comments »

  1. LD said

    LOL so I wasn’t the only one who quitted half my life to play Ragnarok in 2003. Nice vid, reminded me to email my friends from Ragnarok….

  2. A truck driver gets the

    In college, she studied education, and then took jobs as teacher, and in retail and computer work. She was in

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